November 11th, 2025 9:27 PM
mother of christmas eve.
depression is a mental illness? mental illness sounds too harsh. It should just be like, a little trouble, a little trouble in the brain.
a very wise person told me that depression is addictive.
I can definitely see that. i think its pretty interesting that things that are not pleasureable have the ability to hook you. Because, pleasureable things are worth endlessly repeating, of course. But, sliding back into a place where you can feel bad for yourself and spending your emotional currency by saying "i cant do it right now, depressed now." is also alluring, at least to me. It gives me the excuse to be a worse version of myself, its easier than trying to do everything right.
It feels like a fake word. A fake sicknesss i just made up to get out of work.
i dont even want to be happy anymore, stopped trying.
i thought the way out was to work.
to work so hard and to be so comfortable in your depression,
you dont even want it to get better.
i dont believe that is the way anymore, that will kill me.
try to be happy and to enjoy.
i could make alot more music and enjoy it alot more than i do now,
just by not being depressed.
therapy is good, talking to people is good.
even though it feels like a fucking con, and it feels like everyone is trying to separate you from your real mission. even though it feels like you cant trust them, or their advice.
i dont think anyone is really out to get you. i think you're (depressingly), kind of alone out here.
No one is conspiring against you, or coming to save you.
be well, DONT BE ANXIOUS OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.
joke lang
- h mart
October 27th, 2025 8:39 PM
im driving the long way. we're playing my music the whole way. till death do us part, until my happy return.
-dirty
October 26th, 2025 12:16 AM
death defying acts of heroism via intravenous injection of copper-toned particles.
when i drink coffee the ringing in my ears gets louder.
when i smoke the ringing in my ears gets louder.
when my head hits the pillow, the ringing in my ears isn't as loud as the cruelties roaring from my subconscious.
If only.
im good, you know. Life is very beautiful and i feel like im doing something worth my time. I'm going to be happy before I die.
Im sorry for being so angry on here,
I wanted to use this as a place to vent. But then i thought
"what if someone is reading this, and they know me, and they find something that sounds like im talking about them and it hurts their feelings?.."
YOU CANT LIVE LIKE THAT!
you cant go through life changing what you really want to say/do out of fear of being misunderstood.
People appreciate honesty even if its totally crushing.
(by the way, this isnt about you. just so you know.)
"Express yourself but for the love of god, dont express yourself too much."
I dont want to carry anger. I want to be a nice, happy guy.
i think i do an okay job at that, but sometimes i dont do the right thing. I think i might be treating the whole "be a good person" thing like im hourly. Do mediocre work and then clock out. Some people just suck and ruin the whole fucking party. I hope that isnt me, and if it is me, fuck you bitch, fuck you, suck my dick.
I hate how it all feels like a test to behave. And even mistakes that arent obvious, or ones that go completely unnoticed to everyone, are the ones that truly echo through eternity. Cascading forever, affecting everything, irreversibly..like tetris.
have a good rest of your weekend :) do YOUR thing.
-shabuya
October 6th, 2025 6:46 PM
i can almost see my breath out here.
"do you have trouble concentrating?"
"do you believe you have special powers?"
"you seem to be a man of few words, why is this?"
idonthaveanythingtosay
i always had a hard time with school. it was extremely difficult to pay attention in class if it wasn't something i was super interested in. It never was interesting in school. I wanted to get high. That was my favourite thing to do. And as this went on i felt worse, and worse. Even without drugs my grades were always bad, C student. I dropped out of school at 16 to live with my girlfriend at the time and her mother. She was very generous to let me stay with her. That girlfriend was the worst. I mean, holy shit. Just a drunken, mentally ill, abusive woman. I am so proud of myself for cheating on her. Maybe proud isnt right. I am glad I got out of there, would have just tried the closed door method again after many, many, many, many, many failed attempts. We had broken up countless times before, but my infedelity was, for some reason the thing that finally did it. Good job me, thank god you got out of there. This is all the energy i am going to give to this person. Im actually a little bit ashamed I'm even talking about that part of my life which included them. Truly a stain. Whatever, I can always delete this part.
Do you remember how in the beginning, the focus was about focus? We got off track because i lost focus...
FOCUS
-dirty
October 6th, 2025 9:45 AM
I was on facebook yesterday, the only reason I have it is because it gives me access to the worst marketplace, which i love. I came across this post:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/748971574809813
people want to believe anything. there are people in the comments debating if the video really does show a glitch in the matrix. these fucking people went to school, sat in the back of the class and ate worms. they let their lunch rot in their backpack and then ate the maggot sandwich.
the program you use to make this effect in the video above is free (kinda), the steps to achieve the effect seen (called blob tracking) is done by dragging ONE box into the program.
But this video isnt the point of this entry. Think for yourself. If you believe in something, you better come to it by your own way. If the people in your life are telling you things, and they dont end it with,
"I ADVISE YOU TO DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH AND THINK FOR YOURSELF."
They may be poisoning you. It could be your parents, teachers, whoever. It doesnt matter what side you are on, all that matters is that you are aligning with what you truly believe in your heart of hearts, and at the same time, having an open one, to receive new information, to then change, and adapt.
This is the core concept of the punk movement.
We need this thinking now, i think we might be acting too much.
"DONT ACT, JUST THINK"
-the bukkake jokkey
October 2nd, 2025 2:51 PM
Helloo kumustaaa,
I hope you r well :) I'm sick w a cold. I have work tomorrow. Are you good at your job?
Do you want to be?
Why?
That is someone elses dream, you know! I am lucky I have my own. Some don't, for some reason. And for those people I wish them well. I hope they find something they love. When you do have something, are you willing to chase it to your demise? People see what I do and say "you know, if this doesnt work out you could do INSERT JOB HERE." I dont think its that people dont believe in me, i think they just want me to be safe and consider other options.
I was going to write a big fuck you to anyone who told me I couldnt do this, but why would i be angry? That type of shit is fuel, to push harder.
I will work as hard as I can to make this the best it can be. I dont care if I die broken and poor and alone. I will chase this until I am dead. I dont care If i dont have anything to show for it at the end. I'll be happy because I tried my best, and not just for a day, or a year, or whatever. I am going to do this until I die. Are you ready?
-dirty
September 23rd, 2025 12:51 PM
gonna get shaving cream at the store. my girlfriend likes the harrys shave cream, that one in that blue cylinder. So guys, if you want girls, use that shaving cream.
I got a joke for you:
I'm on a new seafood diet.
I see food.
And, the bugs under my skin
burrow into my marrow, feeding on the plastic in my blood.
You need to wake up.
-dirty
September 18th, 2025 5:24 PM
Yesterday was red sun. I feel better. Dust dust dust. Put it down. Dust dust dust.
do you know where you are?
Because I couldnt see! I could only feel their touch.
People make such good music, i want to make good music. It feels really important. Im not gonna let this go. I want to see whats at the end this way. I have to see. I hope its terrifying, and crazy. I know id regret being in school right now, when its that time. I know ill look back and be glad i spent this time loving people, and doing what makes me happy. I feel like ive wasted so much time already. And ill look back and think thats stupid that i think im late. me me me all the time me. I'm you>?>
I'm you though! ITs not about you, its about us! And how we get along together and how we get along with everyone else here :) We are all here! yeah. yay! Sweet spaghetti! thats a conflict of my morali!
kinda lost steam there at the end sorry,
dirty scary <3
September 18th, 2025 10:45 AM
Yesterday was red sun. The house is very chaotic. Things are everywhere. No shower, no bathroom sink. I am a child of chaos. I will survive anywhere. Im made of steel that is so polished you'd see yourself in me. I could shit in a bucket for 20 years.
I always continue, I am forever, I have always been.
September 17th, 2025 00:00
Today is red sun.
September 16th, 2025. 5:13 PM
Hello guys, welcome back to my youtube channel. They destroyed the bathroom today, we are without a toilet until early tomorrow morning. But i am not bothered. I'm bothered that they left us here without the toilet, but not that I dont have a toilet to use. If i got into a fight in prison and they threw me in the hole, i would NOT go crazy. I dont know if you know this about me but im sturdy as fuck. I would come out of that bitch with new songs. get the fuck outta here.
We walked up to a rabbit that got ran over on the road, crows are starting to pick at it now. I like to think of myself as a crow. A scavenger. Content with life as it is, and the decaying scraps of rabbit it provides.
- DIRTY SCARY
September 3rd, 2025. 11:49 AM
Hello everyone!!! I hope you're well. Someones apartment is leaking above mine, so theres water coming up through the tiles of my bathroom. I love the mornings. The sunlight looks so beautiful on the plants in our living room. I was reading Richard Feynmans "What Do You Care What Other People Think?", and it made me feel small and fragile. Did Feynman think about death and people differently? His wife died of TB, his help in inventing the atomic bomb killed so many poeples wives and husbands in the most horrific ways imaginable.
unrelated
They're always so stressed out about the shackles they've built for themselves.
Do you hate waking up for work?
"Every night you go to sleep, you know you're going to wake up in that bed.
So why, do you every morning, act so suprised?"
Is it because you're dissapointed you woke up at all?
Are you dissapointed that you're still here?
The amount of times i've heard you tell the world you want to die.
But you dont do it.
You dont kill youself. Not even out of cowardice, but because you didn't even mean it in the first place.
Im glad you're here.
September 2nd, 2025. 11:48 AM
I f l i g t e.
How do you know when you are good at something? Do you believe in yourself first, or do you wait until people tell you that you're good enough, to then believe it?
Do your receptors for love and compassion and empathy feel burnt sometimes?
Sometimes im out, and i cannot feel for others or myself. (american psychopathy)
But im happy too! I do feel happy!
Though when I'm down, i cant see things any other way, even when I know I should and can and would.
notes 4 this are...
About how things dont really make sense, like when I say, "Though when im down, i cant see things any other way.." They'd say, "what way??? you have to be specific!!" "shouldve chosen another font." "Why is it in italics?" "capitilization counts", "These arent proper sentences or paragraphs." "WHO IS GOING TO READ THIS?"
NOBODY
Thats why I write here.
Because nobodys here.
And if you are here,
hello :)
Prophet,
Speak to us of pleasure.
Pleasure is good.
Is the point of life to feel as much pleasure as possible?
People on drugs mostly say no, right?
Pleasure got them into that mess. I get addicted to it. Because my fucking idiot sponge cake in my head loves smoking and sex. I get addicted and i dont stop. I know exactly whats going to happen when i use, and I do the exact same thing every time.
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this"
Doctor says... d̶o̶n̶t̶ d̶o̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶?̶
You have to. No matter how much it hurts.
You have to and you will do that.
We're good though.
I will be good to the people around me, I promise.
August 31st, 2025. 11:17 PM
you dont hate anyone and your life is full of love.
full of people.
is it okay to love someone/something more than being alive?
I am just passing through.
I have no message, no hands to feel with.
Just feelers, because i am a dirty,
infected parasite.
I will dry you out,
and leave you there to hang.
there is no light that isn't attached to an angler
does it always hurt like that?
that wouldnt make it any more unbearable, and,
relief isnt always available in the time of need.
i take it slow, and i stay high.
my major malfunction.
a shell
a hole of desire, where a person should be.
August 12th, 2025. 11:24 AM
It's been a while since the last entry. Been working on this new tape, and it's just sitting on my computer. I keep listening to it. I listen over and over, getting sick of it and then liking it again.
Is temptation the devil? Is the pull to go back to your old self, and the harmful things that we do to make ourselves feel better, demons? In every sense of the word, possessing you. An entity that enters your body to make you consume more.
stay tuned for this tape!!! Love you <3
July 16th, 2025. 7:40pm
i was so close to getting all the minecraft toys from mcdonalds. I probably bought more than 5 of those things trying to get a grimace egg. It never happened.
July 12th, 2025. 10:45pm
you guys have allergies? I do. I'm pissed off, it feels good. I like to destroy just as much as i like to create. Only, with destruction, I usually regret it afterwards. But that's art, right? Destruction is art. It's the way of the universe. Instead of the word destruction i'll use, "re-arranging". Re-arranging is the second law of thermodynamics. Things always get messier as time goes on. No matter how hard you try to clean up, the energy you spend trying to do so far out weighs the order you've created. The universe's re-arrangment from ordered to disordered is one of the ways we know that we're moving forward in time, instead of backwards. Those Rage Rooms where you smash stuff seem stupid. I could break shit all day and it never works to solve the problem. The only option is positive work and action.
-yung sinatra
July 10th, 2025. 2:13pm
got more pics on the site!! there are new bottoms that we're working on that are fucking crazy, coming soon.
i love this, if you like to create things i love you too. it really feels like you're doing something worthwhile right? i have an affirmation i repeat to myself almost every day.
"I always get what I want."
and dont get it confused, shit doesnt always work out. Life always has a way of kicking you in the dick/pussy. Thats just god showing us he loves us, great guy by the way, we text sometimes. But whether its music you love or painting or whatever you like to do, fame is never your drive to do that. No real artist paints to be famous or recognized, they do that because they love draggin that brush n shit. That's the thing thats not in the fucking pamphlet, they are not going to understand why. There are a lot of people that "paint" for the fashion of it. To shovel coal into this blimp-like image of yourself. Or however blimps work. Helium? Just do cuz you love it. Love you <3
-yung kpop
July 8th, 2025. 12:45pm
i always hate getting my haircut. I never feel good afterwards. I learned a word from japan that means "looking worse after a haircut." from a typing game: Age-otori. AZN hair is hard to cut i guess. Especially mine cuz i got two crowns. My mom always used to tell me its because i resorbed my twin and ate him in the womb, gaining his power.
July 7th, 2025. 12:19 AM
i'm eating bread this morning. Never get sick of rice, rice is your friend. It's so versatile and cheap and helpful. I want to be like rice. Love you <3